Why am I Here?

Since Diane mentioned that this virtual guild was a possibility, I've been thinking about what I want out of it. For that matter, I'd like to know why I am so compelled to weave, if only so I can direct my energies toward things that serve my goals - whatever those goals are.

So, here are some rambly thoughts about all this. They are rambly not only because I'm a little under the weather, but because I'm not quite clear on why I'm doing what I'm doing.

I've always been interested in color and pattern, especially through fiber media. [Insert photo of the cross-stitch sampler I did when I was eight. I'd insert it for real, but I don't have the energy to dig through bins looking for it.] I've quilted, I've knit, I've spun, and now I weave as well. Part of why I do all this is because I simply can't stop. This is just who I am. Part is because I've found such a wonderful community of friends through fiber. Part is because I'm always a little starved for recognition (the result of being one of five kids, I think). Part is because sometimes I find out who I am when I make something, look at it, and think to myself, Damn, that's good work, someone who is creative, powerful, and perceptive made that thing, I must be creative, powerful, and perceptive.

So, I weave because I enjoy it, because it's fun, because my friends weave or at least appreciate my weaving, and because I use weaving (and other fiber work) to explore who I am and to push myself farther toward where I want to be.

That said, I'm not entirely clear what I want out of this virtual guild. I think one of the things I'd like is for you two perceptive people to push me a little (or a lot, really). To ask probing questions. To accompany me down some path that leads me to a place I don't yet know exists. Maybe it's only the journey I want. Maybe not, too. I think I'm more a product person than a process person. Let me describe what I mean by that.

Prodded by cauchy's quilts, I started a quilt a couple of weeks ago. If I make it the way I want to, it'll be big enough to cover my queen-sized bed, not because I need or want a quilt to cover the bed, but because that's the size I need to express what I want to say. Picture layers of sediment (I love the fact you two are scientifically minded). At the bottom are strips of black and very dark squares, all perfectly square, all perfectly sewn together so the seams match. Soon after the very bottom, a little strip of brighter colors pokes in from one side for a foot or two. Another dark strip. A couple of bright strips. The dark strips get shorter; the bright strips take over. By the top, there are only bright strips, and they're no longer regular squares, lined up perfectly with each other; they dance and squirm and wriggle a bit at the very top. That's a quilt that expresses my journey out of mild depression (damned doctors, who took till I was 50 to figure out what was wrong with me, something so easily cured by a small regular dose of anti-depressant).

That's Quilt #1. Quilt #2 would be all bright, with very little of the regular strip sequence left; instead, there would be curves and flower-like elements. This would be a harder quilt to make - not to design, but the physical sewing-up would be more complicated. Quilt #3 would bring back reality - that is, life is not all bright flowers and gamboling puppies. It's complex, multi-layered, sequential yet always spiraling back. This would be hard for me to design, but I see it in my mind, nonetheless, and I trust myself that I could undertake the journey it would be to create such a quilt and to do it well.

So, I should start sewing, right? Well, I have, actually, a little, but I know full well that making this series of quilts will take at least 18 months, more like two or three years, and it will suck in all my energies while I'm in the depths of designing each quilt (especially #2 and #3). It took much of a year to design and sew the quilt that I made about 20 years ago, that got into a national juried show and launched me into the life I have now. And that was when I wasn't working. I'm not sure I have the desire to go there. As for weaving, well, it took maybe 10 years to get pretty good at making quilts; it'll take that long with weaving, I think.

And yet I'm compelled to do this fiber work. Damned artistic drive anyhow.

I'm inclined to set myself a series of exercises for this year, maybe one every two months, and to ask you two to poke me to accomplish them. The first exercise I'm well into: spinning for and weaving something that Sara may be able to use in her forthcoming book. I've done the spinning, I'm threading the heddles now for a sample commercial-yarn scarf so I understand the weave structure, and I'm hoping to get the handspun scarf woven by the end of this month. The flu and dental surgery set me back a week or so, but I think I'll come close to finishing this first exercise by March 1st. More later on this, in another post with photos, when I have the energy.